"your eyes are the size of the moon"

I don't even know where to start.
I can't see the other side of this.
There is no other side. There is no return.
It's a new era of untold heartbreak.
Selfishness.
The most underestimated monster.
The ultimate destroyer of beautiful creations.
You wouldn't think people could pretend for long. For decades.
Apparently they can. Pretending is their everything.
When someone doesn't know themselves, when their psyche is damaged to the core
There is no alternative. There is no center.
Almost always they will be loyal to what first gave them comfort.
Loyalty. An interesting concept.
I'm beginning to believe no one is loyal to anything but their survival.
Everything else is temporary, passing, conditional.
Conditional.
Love is conditional.
Do you love someone whose destroyed your world with their blind selfishness?
Do you love someone who has proven themselves cruel?
Do you love someone who doesn't care who you are when they are overwhelmed with the affliction of being human?
Do you love someone who has so many conditions on their love they would abandon their children and family and home?
Do you love someone who would break your heart on purpose so they don't have to feel?
Do you love someone who pretends so much that their stories change because they don't know what reality is?
There is no such thing as reality.
Everything is perception. If you doubt this for a moment you haven't been betrayed by an unknown world crashing down on yours from the mind of someone you love.
Do you love someone so broken that they break everything they hold because they hold it so tightly they shatter the glass into their own bloody hands and blame the object?

Isolation.
Inevitability.
Isolation.
it doesn't make anything better.
but my god, I can't help him now.
I can't know him now.
I can't be near him now.
he's behaving monstrous, and compassion...is a stranger concept than it's ever been

Mars in Libra: fighting with white gloves on

Put on those lovely white gloves so you can look classy as fuck while you punch some mirrors. Mars is in Libra. Everyone's your mirror or everyone's your punching bag (or you're everyone elses punching bag if you're lucky like me). There will be broken glass and blood stains on those gloves that you'll never get out. Almost done but not over yet. We're in the process of going from, "If you like it, I like it." and "What do you wanna do? I dunno, what do you wanna do?" to "I like this and want that and if you do too that's cool. If not, oh well" in some realm of our lives. Libra is ultra tolerant- but Mars isn't. Mars is packed with the possession of power. For sure you've been see-sawing between being 'nice' and being authentic. It's a tough compromise, isn't it? 

 I think Libra, I think nice. I mean something specific by nice. Libra has no issue with pretending to like you. It's their "feel good" way. This is motivated on one hand by a need to please, be pleasant, and be liked. On the other, by a core belief that everyone should be treated equally- it's only fair! I think Mars, I think Aries, which is the exact opposite of Libra (see the issue, here?). Aries takes, but only what is theirs. They might give you themselves (the highest honor!) if you're worth it. Libra gives, but only if they can get back. And if they don't, they'll try to take. You don't have to be worth it- they think they're worth it enough for the both of you!

Mars doesn't pretend to like you. It won't and it just can't. Mars is instinctual and impulsive, therefore operates from pure authenticity. Like any other motivations, it has the potential to be misplaced. But think about the genius access this implies with Mars in Libra...authentic niceness? There's power here. 

Mars in Libra has been tough rough tough for me, fiercely tangoing with my Venus (already in Libra) through my realm of communications and information- CONVERSATION & INTERACTION. I've been tested (Mars) over and over and over and (yes, still getting tested) and over to learn to assert myself, relate effectively and stop pretending while being fair, discerning and non-judgmental. Tolerance levels around the universe are reaching record highs and lows, research indicates. In my experience, on a scale of 0 to Tolerant, I'm at like -20 right now. And I can't begin to tell you how fucking good it feels. 

For example, at the beginning of this year I would've let strangers treat me worse than I've ever treated anyone in the name of being the bigger person, taking the higher road, letting it go, and any other phrases generated from the misplaced power of boundless compassion (Pisces- it's like taking Libra to a whole new level). They never mention the resentment, bitterness and sense of defeat that type of powerless mentality breeds. You teach people how to treat you. Merely stating facts such as, "I'm not interested in having this argument" or "I don't accept that type of behavior from myself or others" is a manifestation of clarity that will FREE you.

 Now, however, after the bloody nights of heartbreak and tears [insert violin solo], I'm a firm (Mars) believer that you have to give yourself what you deserve. And Tolerate nothing less from anyone. ANYONE. And give nothing less than your best- whatever that is from moment to moment. Don't give people your shit and don't take theirs (Libra). Enough is enough. No one is winning! You're not in charge of making anyone happy and no one is in charge of your happiness. Acknowledging your own power will enable you to receive and reciprocate QUALITY. It's so satisfying. 

"Tolerance: the act of putting aside what is right for what is popular. a virtue of a person without conviction." {Urban Dictionary}

Because where's the integrity in being trampled on? Where's the integrity in staying quiet when no one is speaking up? Where's the power in compromising your principals for popularity? Where's the power in allowing others to teach you how to treat yourself? Where's the niceness when you've become resentful of the power you give others? Where's the niceness in treating others better than you treat yourself until everyone means something to you only because you haven't meant enough to yourself? 

It's kind of sick- this cycle where we create expectations for others founded on the unfulfilled needs we have that no one but we ourselves are responsible for. Followed by a heavy dosage of disappointment when our needs aren't met...even though it never dawned on us to communicate clearly what it is we want- firstly to ourselves and then to others. This is where Aries (Mars energy) comes in. Aries puts themselves first, knows what they want and need and gets it taken care of. Libra tries to take care of itself by taking care of others but you can't truly doing that without doing Aries first. 

"Don't let anyone ever make you feel like you don't deserve what you want." {10 Things I Hate about You}

SO Mars in Libra is a chance to give ourselves a chance. Changing the way we operate in relationships, especially the one we have with ourselves, gives us a chance to achieve the quality we desire. Here's the trick though- you can't have the best of both worlds. All the relationships you built on the theory of being the bigger person, or hoping you'd just automatically get back what you give run the risk of disintegration when you no longer need them. So do all the ones where you weren't being authentic, where you were pretending. When the show stops, so does the audience. And you can't refund those tickets. 

And as any good Scorpio would say, here's an opportunity to be born again from the ashes. And everything is about intention which is about quality not quantity.

Gotta set the stage on fire first, says Aries.

But what if someone gets hurt?, worries Libra. 

Every man for himself. The survivors will build something better and more beautiful together afterwards, knows Mars in Libra.

I've turned into Someone Else

Question everything. Question everything until there aren't any answers to the questions. Question everything until every single shroud of being is stripped and there's nothing left but time. Time eroding the hazy reality surrounding you. Question every question until perspective is a matter of where the fog is the least descended.

Question until statements are no longer answers and everything becomes an assumption. Question when all you know is what you know for sure and you know that could change in a moment.

Question until you cry because you can't rely on anything or anyone. Question yourself until you've realized that you're nothing but the choices you make and their consequences. Question until you don't know what to believe. Question until belief is a moment by moment choice and not a lifetime commitment.

Question until you realize that commitment is a state of mind and not a list of expectations. Question until you love without needing it returned because you're brave enough to know that if you have to ask, you already know. Question until you won't dare waste your precious time and energy shooting arrows at brick walls.

Question until you choose the pain of the truth everyday over the pleasure of lies.

saturn in scorpio

I'm really thinking about who it is I want to be: what behaviors will characterize me, what my integrity means to me, what beliefs my choices will reflect and what values I'll integrate into my life.

first off, I realized that in examining this I immediately began to ruminate on who I was....what I used to be. Comparing my present self to that is discouraging because my character was based on beliefs that for the most part, I no longer hold as true. At the time, questioning my values led me to the "well, who am I then?" and therefore through a kind of experimental phase.

I feel like now that I've made choices with consequences I'm not entirely fond of and have begun to feel a loss of a certain sense of self that I miss and cherish, I've come full circle and must not look into the past for my answers as I tend to do. but ONLY LOOK FORWARD. only step into who I am and only choose here and now the person I'll become. because the future isn't made up of memories of the past but of the moments you're present in now. and the more presence and intent you live with, the richer will be the satisfaction you feel.

and I've forgotten about intention. I let intention fade and float away into flighty feelings. and as much as I could've gleaned by trusting my intuition in spite of everything and anything, there's something to be said about returning to center. because, I'm beginning to believe, can you really know what center is if you've never left? can you really know what the truth is if you've never questioned and explored?

that may be a stereo-typically "young" perception of process, but stereotypes exist because where there's smoke, there's fire.

comparison is the killer of authenticity. I don't care if you're comparing yourself to your idol, your mother, your shoulds and shouldn'ts, your past self, your future self, that girl that has the mhph you want, that you that guys could totally be in love with, the version of yourself you think is the highest Divine manifestation. Good bad ugly beautiful, comparison is killer. contrasts are extremes that are like bridges between reality and fantasy:expectations and actualities.

what I learned in a fortnight.

You can't save anyone. Only person you can save is yourself. And that's one of the greatest feats you will ever accomplish.

No one gives a fuck about your intentions. The road to hell is paved with good intentions.
This is a real thing. Intentions only matter when they manifest. When they remain pretty ideas in the corner of your mind that you like to think you live by, no one gives a fuck.

We accept the love we think we deserve.

Just because they've made it clear it's about them, doesn't mean it's ok for you to make it about them too. Self protection, anyone? The moment someone you've given your heart to or even considering giving your heart to reveals that they're ultimately their first priority (totally in the selfish way....always kudos to the healthy life serving way), run. Run as hard as you can, because you're on a sinking ship with no life vests.

No regrets. Even when you actually have regrets, keep chanting 'no regrets' and before you know it you'll believe it. One of those cool mind games we forget to take advantage of. Sure, you could've avoided all the heartbreak by thinking a little harder or somehow seeing into the future. Right...? And sure, things should've could've maybe would've turned out differently if x, y and z. But they didn't. And oddly enough, you would not become you who are if they had. Accept and be grateful...

Because though being disappointed in something or someone is heartbreaking, and you don't know how to trust or hope again, be grateful because clarity is freedom.

Clarity is freedom. Never avoid the questions because you're fucking afraid. If you have to reason yourself out of the answer that comes to mind when you ask the hard questions, there's a 99% chance your mind is right.

Trust yourself. Trust yourself because at the end of the day you are the one who has to live with your decisions and experiences. Make them, deal with the consequences, and keep building your reputation with yourself. Forget about always choosing the right, choose you and experience will guarantee you learn.

I've lived almost my entire life on a foundation of ideas, ideals and dreams. This is beautiful. At some point however, if one is to truly live, we have to experience. This starts with implementing your beliefs through your actions. And you will find that if you're open, things will change.

And it'll scare the shit out of you. You. Will. Be. Scared. You will doubt and question and doubt and question and then after that, eventually you'll doubt and question again. All I can promise is that one day you'll realize you doubt a lot less and ask smarter questions and that really, it's never about the answers but the courage to ask.

Sometimes people are only in your life to break a box or  open one. And then they leave. And it feels like all the feelings are about them for a while, but soon you'll realize that it's always about you, even when you think it's about them. Just like it's always about them even when you think it's about you. This sounds fucking pointless but if you're willing to accept it, it makes for beautifully sacred sharing of our hearts and lives. Whole sharing, not two halves attempting  to complete each other.

Someone else's lack of capacity is not your problem. This is where self protection comes in too- if they can't seem to evolve out of their low vibration bullshit, release them with compassion and understanding. But create boundaries, babe. Hard as fuck to balance but worth the effort. No hard feelings towards them and no hard feelings towards yourself.

Repeat after me: "I'm busy enough with my own insecurities, I don't needa be trippin' over yours too." Pick yours up out of others way, and put some nice, bright orange cones around everyone else's danger zones. It's one thing to work things out in a relationship, it's another to trip right into their shit time after time. That habit will erode love.

Hugest thing: Allow yourself time to grieve. To release, grow, be angry, be sad, think you're okay and then discover triggers everyday. Forgive yourself and make it about you. And one day soon you'll be laughing and smiling and feel alive and realize that you haven't in a while. And you'll laugh because you never thought the sunlight would make you happy again. And yet here you are. Closer than ever to the glorious reality of your dreams.

or the truth is...

Sometimes things only happen to break you open.
Sometimes people leave as quickly as they come because their only purpose was to teach you.
to hold you.
to show you the beauty of yourself.
to reveal the pain.

Everything is temporary. The only constant is change.

My father is a wise man. Confused and blinded by the dysfunction we come from at times, but he is a wise man. The other night was sat together at our long dining room table and he nearly broke a sweat trying to explain a strange concept to me.

Nothing should ever affect you.

Now, I'm familiar with the idea that nothing is personal, and that's how I react (or don't) to things a lot of the time. But nothing should ever affect me?? Aren't we being a little unrealistic?

"You'll have emotions. You'll be hurt," he said. "But that should never affect your being, the way you see yourself. It should never make you think less of yourself. You have to separate your emotions from your sense of self."

It's about personal power. Healthy boundaries not only between yourself and others but also within yourself. Protecting yourself from your own shadow?

I'm coming out of a situation very recently where for the first time in my personal life, someone was not deserving of forgiving compassion from me. It was strange to withhold something I give so naturally. But to give it in this instance would've meant compromising my own self respect. Because for once in my life, I felt like I was the one deserving of my own forgiving compassion. To forgive myself, and to be compassionate towards my own heartbreak has been revolutionizing.

It all began by being told that it was not my fault. That I had done nothing to cause or deserve my pain. I had never realized how much self-blame has been a part of the way I process when I've been hurt. Somehow it was always because I had done or not done something, was or wasn't someone, should or shouldn't have. Always shoulding.

Is it really about you or does it have nothing to do with you? Sometimes the answer is that it has everything to do with you for you and nothing to do with you for them. But what is the story you're gonna tell yourself about yourself?

I could have chosen to make this situation into a story about how once I was very foolish and very desperate and blinded by my hope, and jumped into an ocean of unpredictability. How my naivety left me hurt and disappointed. That I'm never important or special or wonderful enough to unconditionally love. That I brought this upon myself by not taking more time, more thought, listening to my intuition. That you can't trust anyone and all I ever do is get caught up in a fantastical illusion that they we I created.

Or the truth is....

I was once very brave and honest and my hope was clarity, and jumped into an ocean of endless possibilities. My belief in trusting the Universe and the best versions of another left me open hearted and vulnerable. I believed myself important, special and wonderful enough to be loved and accepted unconditionally. I brought it upon myself by abandoning my former limitations and releasing my attachment to my thought processes and my intuition. I learned to trust myself and that everything is a fantastical illusion I created and that's powerfully beautiful.

how hard is it to love me?

How hard will it be for someone to love me? want me and accept me? no matter what? Like, literally, no matter what? no matter how intense and full of shit I am. no matter how insecure and needy and judgmental and spiteful I am. no matter how LARGE my family is. no matter how much I believe in and how much I don't believe in. 

How hard is it to love me? when I question everything and search for motive and don't settle. when I bitch and moan and try to fix things before they're broken. when I want and need you and tell you exactly how much I don't. 

How hard is it to love me? 

I'm willing to pay. to compromise. to change. to excuse, apologize, water down, dilute, hide and make myself small. just for that little piece of shit love. 

Because the real thing just is all encompassing. There is nothing but acceptance, unconditionally. And sure, of course, it's a choice. everyday it's a motherfucking choice and a process because we're not perfect. and realizing the difference between the struggle is real and there shouldn't be a struggle. 

He likes me. that's it. he wants to get to know me better and give to me. 

I like him. that's it. want to get to know him better and give to him. though I feel so unqualified to share.

but no compromising. all of me or none of me. and that includes my family. and if he really can't handle that then he can't coexist. and that's just the beginning and the end of that. 

why am I more afraid of what this stranger will think and feel than I am of being true to the only thing I really have and ever will? 

GET YA SHIT TOGETHER. 

trippin'

Hopefully somewhere along the line we all realize that the situations and drama that surround us are all about the stories we tell ourselves about ourselves.

Question to ask yourself in the dark alone: why am I not deserving of unconditional love and acceptance? 

Pisces is the theme of the Universe right now. If there were a word Pisces would by synonymous with, it'd be: dream. The dreams we create with our emotionally compromised perception, the dreams we live in daily- whether hellish or heavenly. The dreams whispering from our hopes and wishes and prayers. The dreams of who we wish we were. The dreams that pervade our reality until we're so dazed we can't tell the difference. Sometimes that's beautiful...sometimes it's heartbreaking. 

Question to ask yourself in the silence alone: who am I not to be? 

These are the questions we have answers for. And it's a little fucked up that we think of ourselves so much that we end up thinking so little of ourselves. Maybe if we could think of ourselves a little less we'd think more of ourselves. 

I've found that the only time I can be uncompromisingly myself is when the person I'm engaging with means nothing to me. When I place no importance on what they think of me. I'm not trying to make an impression, create an image, or uphold a dream. That's more often these days than it used to be- it's far too exhausting to invest so much concern uncontrollable perceptions. Because however people react to you is also about a story they tell themselves about themselves. And vice versa. 

Question to ask yourself in the cold alone: why is it that I'm always waiting for reality to kick in, allowing my insecurities to sabotage opportunity for absolute joy and pleasure? 

In my moments of panic I'm so hard on myself, trying to control the reaction I have to vulnerability. I forget to remember that I've had the floor drop from under me more times than I actually can remember. Souls I've trusted, been intimate with, built relationships that meant so much to me have vanished from my life. Home has meant so many different things at different times and when you come to understand that the only thing constant is change, for a person like me, it makes it hard to invest into anything. Because everything comes to an end? So what's the point. 

Question to ask yourself when you're not alone but alone: why is the moment, the experience, not enough for me?

I've had times where my life has been drama free and I stop for a minute and think about how...hollow, it feels. It's like being on a diet and craving sugar. We grow so accustomed to our inner dysfunctional dialogue manifesting that when we change the way we think and react for a little while, we don't even know what to do with ourselves. What does life mean now? Who's got the action?

To even consider that life could consist of more openhearted love and happiness than anything else, and that feeling like that doesn't mean just grasping at moments until they slip from your fingers. What would that mean? How could I be different, be more secure in myself, if my goal was to avoid drama-within to without. 

There's always drama we can't control, but when you've set healthy boundaries in your life to begin with, you may find that a lot of the time it's our reactions and perceptions that create it. You can feel the difference when you're attached to incoming drama and when you're not. 

Question to ask yourself when you've tripped on your insecurities and looking for your dignity: are you diluting your power to make it easier, safer, quieter...?

It's easy to no be apologetic about my weakness when I don't give a shit if they look like weaknesses or not. I've learned though that once someone does mean something to me HOLY SHIT DOES  every single laser beam of an alarm I have in my entire psyche start freaking the fuck out. 

It all leads back to believing that anything good is too good to be true and it can't be possible that anyone who sees how needy, desperate, selfish and pathetic I actually am would even consider staying in relationship with me. 

because when I'm cold in the silent dark, definitely alone, looking for the me I lost while tripping over my insecurities, all I can ask myself is: why would anyone unconditionally love and accept me when I don't even think of myself?

under the opera house ceiling

It hit me so hard. Sunk in so deep. I felt as if I swallowed an expanding ball of heartbreak. I couldn't breathe and couldn't cry....though that's all I wanted.

And all I could do is ask myself why. I was consumed and it felt like nothing had changed in me since the first time. All the feelings of insignificance and betrayal and raw truth felt as freshly cut into my heart as if it had never been opened in the first place.

Why couldn't you have, why won't you just be honest with me? Why is it that literally almost EVERYONE else knows but when I ask you don't answer?  I just don't know if it's even about you at this point. It's too confusing to blend my version of fantasy with reality. I don't know the difference anymore. I can't trust myself and much less anyone else.

I really thought I was shattered into clarity but now I see I went from one dream into another. Somehow I thought that the beginning of the end was over...I knew it would be a process to let go of all the emotional attachments to you, but I was still shocked by how it could still hurt. How much has to shatter before it finally breaks off completely...

It sickens me to think of how deeply vulnerable I was with you...what was I thinking? Why did I ever think you deserved that? Why didn't I realize that you certainly didn't earn that? I'm scared by how emotionally compromised I was and how willing I was to invest into the best of you.

You didn't give it back though. How thoroughly disappointing. How thoroughly foolish of me.

It sickens me to think of how easily I fell....how did that happen? Why was I so naive? Why did I give you so much power?

I'm beginning to realize that I'd fall in love with anyone who treats me special. My desperation in my weakness and like a leech will cling...

But within all my turmoil and uncertainty I have found some strength. I won't allow myself to be your back burner bitch. To myself. I won't allow myself to be the "best friend" when I should be the leading  lady of my own fucking life.

I just wish I could talk to you about it. I hate elephants in the room and elephants sitting on my heart are even worse. But I never want to be vulnerable with you again and I'm not going to initiate an intimacy that apparently doesn't exist.

We'll just be to me what we always were to you- nothing much. Friends, and eventually, somebody that I used to know. Meanwhile, don't patronize me and don't pretend. Because I will crush every effort with my own to stay grounded in clarity.

And yet.....

I don't wanna live in a world without you.

hints from 2013 to 2014

 I became brave enough to ask everything 'why not?'. I looked hard at the honest answers to my honest questions. I don't know if I have any more answers to the questions of life but I know much more about my own answers. Contrary to the ideal version of myself I created during childhood and aspired to become, I've come to realize that experiencing things outside of my cocoon of beliefs and even standards so that I could really know what I...see.  How I see. 


 One of the greatest kindnesses you could do yourself and others is to be direct and authentic. 

Everyday moments are what's gonna make up the majority of your life. There's magic to be found and miracles to be made. Your desires will manifest if you live intentionally.

Hype is just that. There's no hidden meaning except that no one is exempt from succumbing to it. Keep your big picture in sight and don't get caught up. 

It's about you. Even when you think it's about them, it's still about you. Even when you're pretty sure it's not about you, it's definitely about you. Everything is about you even when nothing is about you. Especially when you're making it about someone else, it's even more so about you. 

You can't get experience back. You can't change the story you've already written. There's so much emphasis on the "first" time you do this or that. What there should be emphasis on is how much what you do means to you. 

You choose your family. If you think about what family means to you, how many people in your life actually deserve to belong? And the answer is ok.  Just because you were born 'knowing' dozens of kin doesn't mean you'll grow to actually know them. Relationships are choices, not consequences of birth. 

Perspective is reality. So you can't trust your version of it. Peripheral is as extensive as vision goes- there's a whole scene behind you and one going on when you're not around. You'll learn to trust your intuition, your instinct, your soul. But don't trust reality. Accept and embrace and explore and never settle, but don't live there. 

Always question. Sometimes there aren't answers but there's always expansion. Seek the expansion. 

the in-between of what they tell you

They never tell you desperation clings to potential and creates versions of dreams with less substance than clouds. They never tell you how scary it is to wake up and realize your fears have fabricated living nightmares.
They never tell you perception is reality but the two aren't always congruent and if you become too familiar with one you lose touch with the other. They never tell you words are just words time is meaning and action is energy.

They tell you that after everything it's just you but they don't tell you that during everything and before everything and in the between of everything it's just you. They tell you you're the creator of your experience and you have the power but they don't tell you that you can lose control of power and creating is overwhelming.

They tell you to live your life but they don't tell you that you can literally live it in your head alone for so long and not even realize it.

weathered sweaters

2013 is without a doubt the year the Universe punched me in the face with cliches. And congratulations to 2014 for continuing this trend. Latest fist to make contact with my surprised countenance- vulnerability.

There is so much to be said about vulnerability and I've written before about its power. Tonight, however, I'm gonna write about the pain.

I ripped my heart out and sewed it onto my sleeve of my sweater and offered that hand knit sweater to a friend. They said they weren't into sweaters, or any outerwear actually, right now though they were deeply appreciative of mine and would like to still see it around.

I continued wearing the sweater, some days longer than others. It still fit nicely, even though I was slowly undoing it. Finally, after a few months, all I had left of that sweater was the heart I had sewed on. In an attempt to salvage the importance of the heart, I shared the details of the undoing with my friend which happened to involve their rumored interest in leather jackets. Seemingly understanding, they assured me that my sweater was very important to them and made no reference to the leather jacket at all.

Someone I share sweaters with called me later that same evening however, to let me know that my friend was intimately involved in checking out someone else leather jacket. A leather jacket I happened to know was disingenuous. The leather jacket, in fact, that I had mentioned more than once to my friend as the undoing of the sweater I hand knit for them.

No one is obligated to divulge their preference for outerwear or their usage of it- it's an entirely personal matter. However, when you encourage someone to share the details of their sweater knitting with you and claim to be interested and committed to the unspoken terms of honesty, it's a mutual thing-right? When you place your fragile and delicate sweater in my hands, you would think that the understanding was I would place mine in yours...whether temporarily or only relevantly. It's an unspoken expectation, I suppose.

Anyway, I'd heard horror stories of sweaters meant to be treasured becoming torn and shred apart. I had a few of my own. I had thought this time was different. I had thought my friend was different. I had felt safe, if nothing else, safe.

And now I feel betrayed because it has become apparent that I was the only one sharing my sweater and that's alright in some cases but was not the impression I was under. My fault maybe. I thought it was mutual on so many levels, though I should've realized I was knitting with one needle. Alone. My friend definitely watched me knit but that was the extent of the support and how I convinced myself it was anything more than maybe genuine kindness- I wish I knew.

Sweaters vs Leather Jackets...it's not even a competition because it's not even an equal comparison.. the only thing they have in common is categorizing as outerwear.

I am aware of the multitude of reasoning and explanations and realistic perceptions surrounding and abiding within the story I tell myself about the sweater. I'm sure of so few things, and was so sure that I was sure about my friend and the sweater we shared, though it wasn't the one I knit.

Now I'm only sure that the heart has been obliterated and there's nothing left of that sweater I knit and right now I don't care how cold I have to be or if I die from hypothermia

I never wanna see a sweater again.

one after another

Sometimes it's too late to understand that day after day,  moment after moment, choice after choice, we're writing our stories. I've focused so much on consciously on being present in the moment and having no regrets, that I kinda forgot at some point you have to look back and the blur of decisions made "in the moment" become the story of your life. Stories you'll tell someday.

Once upon a time this would've been about perfection, and never making choices you'd regret. I've learned in my twenty years that's it's inevitable and actually probably for the best that your bubbles are burst every now and then by your own doing.

This is in the name of honoring the power you have to weave your own fairytale. Don't forget it. There is such a thing as momentary pleasure and lifetime regret. I don't like to be too friendly with regret but it's a thorough teacher.

that girl

I'll never forget the day I woke up and decided not to let that girl bring out that girl in me.

It's just how easily she has everything I work so hard not to need. All the unconditional attention and appreciation I crave but don't demand is wasted in the vortex of her entitlement. It's irritating. It's unfair. It's bullshit.

That girl is the one that triggers all your insecurities like she's walking through the laser beam security system of your mind. She's not so much a person as she is an archetypal representation of the things you've never felt you were but always wanted to be.  It's not personal and yet it's the most personal experience to allow someone to influence your self perception.

That girl  is me when I don't even feel...definite. I feel formless, shapeless, hollow. I've compared myself until I forgot it was me I was comparing and not just who I wish I thought I was against who I think she thinks she is. Me when I don't wanna be me mostly because...who the hell is that worth being?

I had been torturing myself with questions that made no sense because they were all stemming from doubting my importance or relevance to someone who was so important and everything relevant to me. Now that I look back, was I trying to destroy myself? Who in their right mind would place their importance in a vessel of no reciprocation? Of course I'd feel shitty about myself- looking for validation externally is like drinking salt water when you're thirsty.

That girl is the one that has more confidence than a midsummer hive has honey. And as many bees. She's like, perfected the art of not being afraid to say what she wants yet not being desperate about it while still being vulnerably needy. Somehow she's also managed to maintain a balance between drama and innocence- enough to make her interesting but enough to make her dramatic. 

That girl is me spluttering over my attempts to contain my sensitivity while getting stung by the bees that ain't even checking my hive out .  That girl is me wondering if there's an art to being hopelessly desperate and needy without being vulnerable. Somehow I've managed to be innocently dramatic which is apparently not the same thing as being interesting. 

It took me a while to realize it wasn't even about her. She was the last thing it was about. It was all about me. These are the type of things that make you realize that no matter how selfless you unconsciously believe yourself to be, it always boils down to being about YOU. Not good, not bad- it's called the journey of self awareness I suppose. 

It was all about me comparing myself. Cruelest thing you could possibly do to your sense of self. At the end of the day it's just another cliche punching me in the face. Because it's the lesson of self love. Loving myself enough to not compare myself- and it's never even virtue against virtue. It's my weakness against their virtue. What kinda sick joke is that?

That girl is just a complex human like yourself.
That girl  is just a complex part of yourself.

I used to swear that I'd never be that girl. 

broken boxes

"Once you get married (to another person, to yourself, to God) you must begin to understand that your husband (or wife) fits no preconceived notion. No fantasy. Stop trying to put them in a box. That pretty jewel blue and green box of your most treasured so-called wants, dreams, and desires. Stop trying to stuff them in there! They won’t fit. Not the box you wanted. Not the box you thought you wanted. Not the box you’re holding in your hands. He/she will not fit. Not the box of the culture you are from. Let it go."~ Aliza, MoonPluto Astrology

 So what do I do with this box? Ive been holding it for so long, so tenderly. It's meant everything to me because every jewel is a desire I've been cultivating for yeeeaaarrsss. But what happens when this box I've been holding close, waiting for someone to fill, becomes a cage?

Ideas turn into perspectives turn into beliefs turn into ideals turn into…

One of the hard truths is that even when the box becomes a cage, it's comfortable. It's familiar. And those bars are like our bones- integrated into our fleshy beings. How do we destroy something…we are?

Being a quadruple Scorpio, I'm all about bursting into flames just to recreate from the ashes. In craving this type of existence, it's more often painful than not because the flames feel like nothing but destruction. But what if. What if it's not destruction but transformation? Just like that jewel covered box became a cage, that became our bones, the very structure with which we built our life, we can't completely eradicate it. We shouldn't want to.

We cling to things that resonate with us and it's important to stay true to ourselves. For as much as I've been told to open up, I've been told not to compromise. Integrity & integration. We can amputate the unhealthy, limiting and constricting beliefs our real desires hide behind. And unlike our actual bodies, our souls can regenerate. There's real comfort in that.

How badly do you want it? How much can't you live without it? How deeply will your heart break if you never have it?

Knowing what you want more than anything else is one of the scariest things. Because it's vulnerable. As much as I crave vulnerability, I equally evade it because it's like being ever present with that fierce fire that fuels our essence. It's exhausting to maintain that level of sensitivity.

 Right now, my ultimate deep-well wish is to make that lifetime romantic connection with a soulmate.  In some of my darker moments alone, I've dwelled on the possibility of never realizing that potential. How I would feel if I never made that connection. Is it really something I want as deeply as I think I do? Is it all fantasy?

Then one night something said to me, trust your desires. Trust what your heart yearns for. Because we don't choose that. We don't wake up one day and choose what will mean the world to us. Maybe we just know one day. And we're scared, so we make a little box to protect it. Over time we decorate it and the more closely we hold it the more it becomes a part of us.

So then I realized a piece to the puzzle of a story with a certain someone. There's so much about the connection I don't understand, so I was happy that something finally clicked. They showed up  in my universe to break my box. Whatever happen afterwards, whatever doesn't happen, whatever it dissolves or evolves into, they're breaking my box. And as painful as it is, I'm eternally grateful because I know that the more bullshit I shed, the clearer I become, the more open I am to the infinity of the Universe.

You need mirrors, darling. You can't see yourself without mirrors. And absolutely NOTHING will give that to you like a relationship with another person.

Maybe our desires and our heart are the same things. They're tender, delicate, vulnerable, often hard to understand. I've read a lot about how everyone should have their heart broken, because you learn so much about yourself, if you lean into it.

Everyone should have their box broken. Someone or something will come along and knock that box out of your hands and they won't coddle it. They'll drop it or throw it on the ground and it'll smash into a million pieces. Have you ever thought what's left after that? Just you. Just you and your bones. Just you and your bones and your open arms. (Venus in Capricorn for a while, anyone? tough wintry love)

When you're not holding anything you're open to anything and that's when exactly what you need which will turn out to be what you want will walk right into your arms and never let you go.

when it hurts so bad

I sprained my foot today. I cried tonight. The relationship between these occurrences is subtle yet evolutionary.
I considered the concept when I sprained my foot that everything happens for a reason. I don't believe that. I think there's cause and consequence AND that everything significant has meaning. It's the difference between blind faith and a conscious choice to believe.

I didn't cry because it hurts. The foot, that is. I wanted to, but I'm distracted by something going on in the pit of my stomach. I kept asking the question, "why?".  I'm on vacation and it's wonderful and everything I want it to be. And then this happens. Why? While I don't believe that everything happens for a reason, I believe wholeheartedly in symbolism. There had to be something this connected to inside. Aside from my lack of athletic skill. There are crazy random happenstances, and then there are, this can't be a crazy random happenstance happenstances.

And then it hit me.

I had kind of realized it yesterday when talking with a friend about an area of my hurt in the relationship. I told her how my main concern seems to be figuring out ways to avoid getting hurt. No sporting, cliff jumping, trusting or risk taking for me.

When I chose to play basketball with my brother, which is something I wouldn't normally do (see above reference to lack of athletic skill), I created one of the best memories I've ever shared with him. But then I fell and sprained my foot. Kinda ruins the vibe, right?

After hours of pain, however, laying on the comfy bed in the comfy apartment in the middle of the comfy colorful woods of the Poconos, I realized that this was about so much more than my surface issue of mild clumsiness. It's about that defensiveness (coincidentally, I was playing defense in the game. oh life, you're laughing)  that I've been confusing with protection. I realized the symbolism.

And I cried. For like, 5 seconds.
And then I swallowed some pain pills. Somehow, I felt the job was done.

 Here I was, enjoying a simple pleasure, feeling secure & in control, and something completely unexpected happened ANYWAY. I fell and got hurt anyway. I was in the moment, actively participating in sensation, and something painful happened. I couldn't stop it, couldn't prevent it. The only way I could've done that was to not be engaged in the first place.

I keep myself sedate so that I won't feel anything intense. I don't feel joy. I don't feel heartache. Sure, I feel a vague vibration of these emotions- excitement and anger or a numb kind of sadness. But I don't FEEL the root, the actual pain or pleasure. Doesn't mean it doesn't exist. If a tree falls and no one hears it, it still makes a sound.

Cause: playing basketball clumsily. Consequence: a painful sprained foot.
Significant event. Meaning? The epiphany that no matter how defensive I am, how cautiously I tread, life will happen anyway. I'm coming to realize, or believe (because it is a matter of perspective) that there can be no pleasure without pain. And if I do everything I can to avoid the latter, doesn't it then follow that I'm also avoiding the possibility of the former?

“It’s so hard to forget pain, but it’s even harder to remember sweetness. We have no scar to show for happiness. We learn so little from peace.”~ Chuck Palahniuk

So here's the question: what depth do I desire from life? Really though, that's not even the question. I know I want all the transcending passion life has to offer. The questions really go something like this: Would I rather have a painless foot or the memories? Well, there are pills for the pain. The moments are priceless.

Observations on Becoming {a rise from the ashes}

Why do we ever stop anything that's given us even a glimpse of joy?  We should chase anything and everything that brings us bliss. Fuck ego, fuck goals, fuck shows and appearances and smoke and mirrors. Fuck anything and everything that even suggests a threat to savoring some portion of joy. Life is sad. Life is short and hard and grimy and heartbreaking and nothing you want to be and everything it shouldn't. It makes absolutely no sense and you spend more time swallowing water than you do actually swimming. Unfathomable amounts of pain and ache and just being lost is reality. Wave after wave of saltwater tears. Even the life rafts are hitched to a misery of expectations, illusions and false security.

Do it. Do it everyday. Want more of it. Immerse yourself entirely. Just drown in it and cease the exhaustion. Kill yourself with kindness. Oh yes, every wave is real. Every thundering rise of pain is the most tangible thing you'll ever experience. Each crash of water on the earth is the loudest, most resonating sound you'll ever hear. If you ache in it though, if you laugh in it anyway, if you let it pound you into nothingness, eventually it'll become comfort. Disillusionment will become so familiar that it'll numb the soreness. Every moment you accept what is and choose your bliss with it, not instead or over it, but with it, is a moment more real than every second you've spent smiling while sucking up your soul.

There's no sense in fighting the currents. For some sense of control and dignity? Just wait, before you know it that stinging water will burn away any sense of superiority or facade of control you attempt to maintain. Go ahead and think that your eager, courageous strokes are somehow getting you ahead. Soothe yourself with a sense of achievement and power. You'll find soon enough that anything you've possessed has been a passing breath of wind.

Let yourself go with it. Let yourself go with the currents of pain and pleasure. Let yourself be winded by the breeze that comes from places you'll never see. Let the mass of liquid shake you until you realize that there is nothing real, nothing tangible but for those currents and crashing waves. Nothing but the movements that you can't control. If you can keep up with the chaos, you aren't moving fast enough. Don't slow down to make sense of things. Don't take time to count the cuts, bruises and losses it's cost you. Never, never, never surrender your submission for the sake of power.

They say knowledge is power, and ignorance is bliss. What they don't tell you is that there's power in the bliss of ignorance. This whole huge shenanigan we're having the nerve to call life is not a battle we should fight. It's not a race to win. It's not a mountain to climb. It's an experience. Let's stop taking fucking pictures of every second of it when we're not even FEELING every second of it. If you feel it, FEEL IT. If you think it, THINK IT. If you sense it, SENSE IT. If you are it, BE IT. Immerse yourself.

And Shut Up. Forget about producing or rationalizing. There's no eternity in that. Forget about knowing it all, figuring it out, putting up a fight, any of it. Surrender. And maybe then, just maybe, you'll begin to live. But there are no guarantees...

The point of diving into a lake is not immediately to swim to the shore but to be in the lake, to luxuriate in the sensation of water. You do not work the lake out, it is a experience beyond thought.~John Keats

Change Change Change(moved to Wordpress) {New Moon Solar Eclipse in Gemini}

Last (20th) Sunday was the New Moon Solar Eclipse in Gemini. I know, a long terminological sentence. :p Powerpacked too. Usually I anticipate wonderingly how it (universal events) will manifest in my life. This month however, I was mentally ahead of the time, with all the 10th house action going on (also where this event occurred for me Sunday). All of May & late April I prepared my seed, & it was ripe for planting (yes, I realize that's an oxymoron- I'm quite fond of it) by Sunday. And here it is!!  A new name, new blogsite, new offerings, & new look. I know I just changed my Blogger URL, but I'm not even going to apologize! I just hope you lovely ladies will join me at Genuine Essence. <3

Solar Eclipses are life changing- solar is life, eclipse is change. Unpredictable, pure change.  New Moon's are also change- new cycle, new movement- like pressing the 'refresh' button. I wrote to  someone that New Moon's require us to go inward to initiate the change- Moon is our inner emotional environment, therefore Lunar events always illuminate the core.

Gemini is all about communication & connections. Words...words....words...& anything that connects people in a mental way. So I thought it was perfect timing to launch a new name & site. :D Gemini is also doubly cool 'cause it's the Twins-therefore I now officially (10th house) offer photography & astrology!

This is a very belated update- I finally got a job, & have been working almost everyday. I'm not complaining, haha! I enjoy it- it's a hostess job at a restaurant. It's pretty simple- I still make mistakes but apparently that never ends...which is hard for me to swallow sometimes...but I haven't been working more than 2 weeks, so...

Anyway, I know this launch won't be immediate take off- everything is progress...or is it process...or both.  I'm still adjusting to having a job & keeping everything else up. I'll get the hang of it. I appreciate all support & encouragement I've been receiving. :)

Tangible Translations of Traveling{Full SuperMoon in Scorpio}

source

I am Superfull emotionally, just like the Supermoon Full Moon we had last Saturday (May 5th). I would say, as I did in my Facebook status, "LIKE MY EYES ARE GONNA BE WHEN I SEE IT", except in past tense of course. Unfortunately however, it became cloudy before the Supermoon. I did get to see the moon rise however, & me mum woke me up in the middle of last night to see the moon high up in the sky. I don't recall it being bigger than usual, but then my eyes were only half open.  It was the color of this moon though. I think..

moving on...

 my view Saturday night while I sat under the overcast sky-the moon still shone through

Why am I superfull? Living in the moment & with gratitude is really transformational. 

I'm recreating my photography business, which is truly fulfilling & exciting.

Sun (self, powerhouse, life-center) conjunct (arm in arm) Jupiter (good fortune, expansion) in Taurus (focused feminine earth) in my 10th house (career, public position)    {I am in possession of benevolent wealth & expansion }

I'm being flooded (that's what it feels like) with souls searching for their connection to the Universe. It feeds my soul, & it's flowing without any force or resistance from me. How awesome & revealing is that? This is one of the few tangible (Taurus) instances within my life where the Universe is shedding enormous amounts of light & love towards something that I wasn't expecting. My passionate love for astrology in the first place is completely unexpected. Is this what it feels like when purpose (Sun) & preparation (10th) meet opportunity (Jupiter)? It tastes (Taurus) like luck (Jupiter).

 My mother has been SUCH a contributor to this, lovelovelove. That really became illuminated to me with the Full Moon in Scorpio in my 4th house (mother, women, emotional home). 

Writing like that makes me feel like I have a translator. Hee hee.Oh wait...that's literally what I'm doing.

AH MORE EXCITEMENT!!!

Mercury (communications, connections processing of information) in Aries (initiative,identity, innocent expression) traveling my 9th house (exploration, library of life, higher meaning): Exploratory expansion of higher consciousness through Oprah various media, mentors, & life coaches.

I've watched Oprah now & then with me mum, & remember seeing her on the television as a child. There was a time when I almost bought into the whole "Oprah sucks & is a phony" nonsense.  
Key: don't make assumptions without experiential evidence.
The other Saturday though, about two weeks ago, I decided to rise early even though I was tired. I descended to the basement to find me mum watching Oprah interview Deepak Chopra in India.

life changing 

 I feel like it encompassed everything that had been simmering in my subconscious. I'm always searching subconsciously for articulation (one of the perks of being born with Mercury Retrograde, & one of the reasons I adore astrology), & he is a sublime articulater (new word!) of higher consciousness. I dream of buying his books. 

taken during before or after one morning meditation

 I don't know what it is, but my transits (the current planetary movements in my chart (where the planets were at my birth) & my chart itself is translating to literally to me lately. It feel like divine insight. That's exactly what it is. B"H (praise Gd). It's probably all the meditation I've been having.

I want to leave you with a few Scorpio Full Moon observation, just 'cause it's great food for thought & it's never too late. 

Being a Scorpio myself this is one of my favorite Full Moon's this year. Full Moon's are about revelations, completion, wholeness, & illumination. Especially illumination. Scorpio's about the nitty gritty- death, sex, intimacy, & most of all~ TRANSFORMATION. Open your heart to what will be revealed- probe it, & Scorpiofy it. Transform, share, keep secret, or kill? They can all be awesome though painful. It's always worth it when your motivation is pure.

I appreciate every single moment you are present here, sharing my mini-revelations. Love & Light Constantly. 

blessings

Observations on Becoming {Phoenix Moment}

 So this is a very special post to me, because I recorded it on my iPod in what they call "real time". In the moment. So here it is, dictated by me to me. Open your heart & breathe. Join me....

Hello! I am so excited right now because I've just had a breakthrough. And I think this is one of , y'know, those life changing moments. Nights, actually. It always happens in the night for me it seems. Anyway, I'm so excited because I finally decided that I'm able and ready to let go of my pain in the past, especially  when it comes to relationships. I'm ready to choose what I want, choose what I need and stop telling myself the same story, letting others tell me that story, and feeding my desire to feel sorry for myself. To create that story of victim and y'know, unsatisfied longings.

 It's completely transformational. The freedom is terrifying.  I'm noticing I have trust issues when it comes to heightened positive feelings. Yes, it's a type of high, it's important to feel highs in life though. Anyway, so I'm feeling really excited, I'm feeling really free. I know in the back of my mind, it's going, "Well now you'll be more lonely..."-affirming those whispers that have fed me for so long. But now, I'm saying enough! Enough enough enough. 

I'm changing my story, I'm no longer listening to the whispers and y'know, I will continue to crave companionship. But I will no longer settle for putting myself into relationships & situations that cause me to feel sorry for myself, feel used, feel unappreciated.

I realize that the key to this state is gratitude. Being grateful grateful grateful for what I already have, what I possess, & what I will possess. I know I will.

It's that simple. It's that amazingly transformational. It's that groundbreakingly life changingly breakthroughingly simple. Gratitude.

Everything's a gift. I'm given so many gifts..so many gifts. I have to shwift my perspective, to actually seeing & embracing the gifts.And giving.

 I realize that I don't truly  give as much as I want to.  What's in it for me? What about me what about me what about me? In order to get what I truly want to receive- I want to receive authentic, true generosity-I must give that.

And I feel that familiar clenching pain because I'm afraid of the hurt of not being appreciated, of being taken for granted, taken advantage of. But I need to trust the power of authenticity and generosity. I have to trust myself & the universe. 

That the universe is supporting me. 

That I'm unconditionally loved & accepted. 

And then I can give freely of my time & my energy. And then I'll be able to enter relationships & situations where people make deposits into me. Into my emotional bank. So I don't end up being bankrupt because I'm giving  without receiving. and that doesn't mean that I don't give to myself, cause that's where it starts.

I'm so looking forward to my journey in mediation because it's going to be so powerful, so transformative.  I'm finally understanding my Moon (inner self) in the 8th house (transformation) in Pisces (transcendence).

Transform myself through Transcendence.

I'm just... I have tears in my eyes. Because I feel like I'm finally finding myself. Finally moving past this negative emotional state I've been in. I can still feel them boiling underneath the surface-but I know that I can change, that I can release, that I can choose. I can trust the giving & receiving. I can rust the universe & I can trust myself. I can trust the love that surrounds me. I can trust the people that surround me. I can trust them because Gd will always give me what I need.

this Lifeclass initiated this transformation for me

I know what I want to be now. I want to be free. Emotionally free. And there is the secret of my North Node (aim) in the 4th house (psychological foundation). Freedom from the negative energy. Freedom. Higher purpose. Higher power.

I can see that I can personify the Phoenix. I am the Phoenix.

I'm gonna start a gratitude journal, something Goddess Leonie already hinted to me, so I'm gonna check it out. See how that simplicity changes my life. Meditation will be my tool for putting me in the moment of life.

I wanted to share this with you all because it's not that...it is that I have the secrets & I have the answers. You have the secrets & you have the answers. Unlock them.

I'm completely excited. And I know this is real because my negative triggers haven't disappeared, they haven't just vanished. Y'know, I'm entering through them to my higher state of consciousness, my higher state of being, my higher state of transformation. Fully me.

So, Yes. I love myself.