Observations on Becoming {Phoenix Moment}

 So this is a very special post to me, because I recorded it on my iPod in what they call "real time". In the moment. So here it is, dictated by me to me. Open your heart & breathe. Join me....

Hello! I am so excited right now because I've just had a breakthrough. And I think this is one of , y'know, those life changing moments. Nights, actually. It always happens in the night for me it seems. Anyway, I'm so excited because I finally decided that I'm able and ready to let go of my pain in the past, especially  when it comes to relationships. I'm ready to choose what I want, choose what I need and stop telling myself the same story, letting others tell me that story, and feeding my desire to feel sorry for myself. To create that story of victim and y'know, unsatisfied longings.

 It's completely transformational. The freedom is terrifying.  I'm noticing I have trust issues when it comes to heightened positive feelings. Yes, it's a type of high, it's important to feel highs in life though. Anyway, so I'm feeling really excited, I'm feeling really free. I know in the back of my mind, it's going, "Well now you'll be more lonely..."-affirming those whispers that have fed me for so long. But now, I'm saying enough! Enough enough enough. 

I'm changing my story, I'm no longer listening to the whispers and y'know, I will continue to crave companionship. But I will no longer settle for putting myself into relationships & situations that cause me to feel sorry for myself, feel used, feel unappreciated.

I realize that the key to this state is gratitude. Being grateful grateful grateful for what I already have, what I possess, & what I will possess. I know I will.

It's that simple. It's that amazingly transformational. It's that groundbreakingly life changingly breakthroughingly simple. Gratitude.

Everything's a gift. I'm given so many gifts..so many gifts. I have to shwift my perspective, to actually seeing & embracing the gifts.And giving.

 I realize that I don't truly  give as much as I want to.  What's in it for me? What about me what about me what about me? In order to get what I truly want to receive- I want to receive authentic, true generosity-I must give that.

And I feel that familiar clenching pain because I'm afraid of the hurt of not being appreciated, of being taken for granted, taken advantage of. But I need to trust the power of authenticity and generosity. I have to trust myself & the universe. 

That the universe is supporting me. 

That I'm unconditionally loved & accepted. 

And then I can give freely of my time & my energy. And then I'll be able to enter relationships & situations where people make deposits into me. Into my emotional bank. So I don't end up being bankrupt because I'm giving  without receiving. and that doesn't mean that I don't give to myself, cause that's where it starts.

I'm so looking forward to my journey in mediation because it's going to be so powerful, so transformative.  I'm finally understanding my Moon (inner self) in the 8th house (transformation) in Pisces (transcendence).

Transform myself through Transcendence.

I'm just... I have tears in my eyes. Because I feel like I'm finally finding myself. Finally moving past this negative emotional state I've been in. I can still feel them boiling underneath the surface-but I know that I can change, that I can release, that I can choose. I can trust the giving & receiving. I can rust the universe & I can trust myself. I can trust the love that surrounds me. I can trust the people that surround me. I can trust them because Gd will always give me what I need.

this Lifeclass initiated this transformation for me

I know what I want to be now. I want to be free. Emotionally free. And there is the secret of my North Node (aim) in the 4th house (psychological foundation). Freedom from the negative energy. Freedom. Higher purpose. Higher power.

I can see that I can personify the Phoenix. I am the Phoenix.

I'm gonna start a gratitude journal, something Goddess Leonie already hinted to me, so I'm gonna check it out. See how that simplicity changes my life. Meditation will be my tool for putting me in the moment of life.

I wanted to share this with you all because it's not that...it is that I have the secrets & I have the answers. You have the secrets & you have the answers. Unlock them.

I'm completely excited. And I know this is real because my negative triggers haven't disappeared, they haven't just vanished. Y'know, I'm entering through them to my higher state of consciousness, my higher state of being, my higher state of transformation. Fully me.

So, Yes. I love myself.