under the opera house ceiling

It hit me so hard. Sunk in so deep. I felt as if I swallowed an expanding ball of heartbreak. I couldn't breathe and couldn't cry....though that's all I wanted.

And all I could do is ask myself why. I was consumed and it felt like nothing had changed in me since the first time. All the feelings of insignificance and betrayal and raw truth felt as freshly cut into my heart as if it had never been opened in the first place.

Why couldn't you have, why won't you just be honest with me? Why is it that literally almost EVERYONE else knows but when I ask you don't answer?  I just don't know if it's even about you at this point. It's too confusing to blend my version of fantasy with reality. I don't know the difference anymore. I can't trust myself and much less anyone else.

I really thought I was shattered into clarity but now I see I went from one dream into another. Somehow I thought that the beginning of the end was over...I knew it would be a process to let go of all the emotional attachments to you, but I was still shocked by how it could still hurt. How much has to shatter before it finally breaks off completely...

It sickens me to think of how deeply vulnerable I was with you...what was I thinking? Why did I ever think you deserved that? Why didn't I realize that you certainly didn't earn that? I'm scared by how emotionally compromised I was and how willing I was to invest into the best of you.

You didn't give it back though. How thoroughly disappointing. How thoroughly foolish of me.

It sickens me to think of how easily I fell....how did that happen? Why was I so naive? Why did I give you so much power?

I'm beginning to realize that I'd fall in love with anyone who treats me special. My desperation in my weakness and like a leech will cling...

But within all my turmoil and uncertainty I have found some strength. I won't allow myself to be your back burner bitch. To myself. I won't allow myself to be the "best friend" when I should be the leading  lady of my own fucking life.

I just wish I could talk to you about it. I hate elephants in the room and elephants sitting on my heart are even worse. But I never want to be vulnerable with you again and I'm not going to initiate an intimacy that apparently doesn't exist.

We'll just be to me what we always were to you- nothing much. Friends, and eventually, somebody that I used to know. Meanwhile, don't patronize me and don't pretend. Because I will crush every effort with my own to stay grounded in clarity.

And yet.....

I don't wanna live in a world without you.