Tuesday, August 12, 2014

"your eyes are the size of the moon"

I don't even know where to start.
I can't see the other side of this.
There is no other side. There is no return.
It's a new era of untold heartbreak.
The most underestimated monster.
The ultimate destroyer of beautiful creations.
You wouldn't think people could pretend for long. For decades.
Apparently they can. Pretending is their everything.
When someone doesn't know themselves, when their psyche is damaged to the core
There is no alternative. There is no center.
Almost always they will be loyal to what first gave them comfort.
Loyalty. An interesting concept.
I'm beginning to believe no one is loyal to anything but their survival.
Everything else is temporary, passing, conditional.
Love is conditional.
Do you love someone whose destroyed your world with their blind selfishness?
Do you love someone who has proven themselves cruel?
Do you love someone who doesn't care who you are when they are overwhelmed with the affliction of being human?
Do you love someone who has so many conditions on their love they would abandon their children and family and home?
Do you love someone who would break your heart on purpose so they don't have to feel?
Do you love someone who pretends so much that their stories change because they don't know what reality is?
There is no such thing as reality.
Everything is perception. If you doubt this for a moment you haven't been betrayed by an unknown world crashing down on yours from the mind of someone you love.
Do you love someone so broken that they break everything they hold because they hold it so tightly they shatter the glass into their own bloody hands and blame the object?

it doesn't make anything better.
but my god, I can't help him now.
I can't know him now.
I can't be near him now.
he's behaving monstrous, and compassion...is a stranger concept than it's ever been

Thursday, June 26, 2014

Mars in Libra: fighting with white gloves on

Put on those lovely white gloves so you can look classy as fuck while you punch some mirrors. Mars is in Libra. Everyone's your mirror or everyone's your punching bag (or you're everyone elses punching bag if you're lucky like me). There will be broken glass and blood stains on those gloves that you'll never get out. Almost done but not over yet. We're in the process of going from, "If you like it, I like it." and "What do you wanna do? I dunno, what do you wanna do?" to "I like this and want that and if you do too that's cool. If not, oh well" in some realm of our lives. Libra is ultra tolerant- but Mars isn't. Mars is packed with the possession of power. For sure you've been see-sawing between being 'nice' and being authentic. It's a tough compromise, isn't it? 

 I think Libra, I think nice. I mean something specific by nice. Libra has no issue with pretending to like you. It's their "feel good" way. This is motivated on one hand by a need to please, be pleasant, and be liked. On the other, by a core belief that everyone should be treated equally- it's only fair! I think Mars, I think Aries, which is the exact opposite of Libra (see the issue, here?). Aries takes, but only what is theirs. They might give you themselves (the highest honor!) if you're worth it. Libra gives, but only if they can get back. And if they don't, they'll try to take. You don't have to be worth it- they think they're worth it enough for the both of you!

Mars doesn't pretend to like you. It won't and it just can't. Mars is instinctual and impulsive, therefore operates from pure authenticity. Like any other motivations, it has the potential to be misplaced. But think about the genius access this implies with Mars in Libra...authentic niceness? There's power here. 

Mars in Libra has been tough rough tough for me, fiercely tangoing with my Venus (already in Libra) through my realm of communications and information- CONVERSATION & INTERACTION. I've been tested (Mars) over and over and over and (yes, still getting tested) and over to learn to assert myself, relate effectively and stop pretending while being fair, discerning and non-judgmental. Tolerance levels around the universe are reaching record highs and lows, research indicates. In my experience, on a scale of 0 to Tolerant, I'm at like -20 right now. And I can't begin to tell you how fucking good it feels. 

For example, at the beginning of this year I would've let strangers treat me worse than I've ever treated anyone in the name of being the bigger person, taking the higher road, letting it go, and any other phrases generated from the misplaced power of boundless compassion (Pisces- it's like taking Libra to a whole new level). They never mention the resentment, bitterness and sense of defeat that type of powerless mentality breeds. You teach people how to treat you. Merely stating facts such as, "I'm not interested in having this argument" or "I don't accept that type of behavior from myself or others" is a manifestation of clarity that will FREE you.

 Now, however, after the bloody nights of heartbreak and tears [insert violin solo], I'm a firm (Mars) believer that you have to give yourself what you deserve. And Tolerate nothing less from anyone. ANYONE. And give nothing less than your best- whatever that is from moment to moment. Don't give people your shit and don't take theirs (Libra). Enough is enough. No one is winning! You're not in charge of making anyone happy and no one is in charge of your happiness. Acknowledging your own power will enable you to receive and reciprocate QUALITY. It's so satisfying. 

"Tolerance: the act of putting aside what is right for what is popular. a virtue of a person without conviction." {Urban Dictionary}

Because where's the integrity in being trampled on? Where's the integrity in staying quiet when no one is speaking up? Where's the power in compromising your principals for popularity? Where's the power in allowing others to teach you how to treat yourself? Where's the niceness when you've become resentful of the power you give others? Where's the niceness in treating others better than you treat yourself until everyone means something to you only because you haven't meant enough to yourself? 

It's kind of sick- this cycle where we create expectations for others founded on the unfulfilled needs we have that no one but we ourselves are responsible for. Followed by a heavy dosage of disappointment when our needs aren't met...even though it never dawned on us to communicate clearly what it is we want- firstly to ourselves and then to others. This is where Aries (Mars energy) comes in. Aries puts themselves first, knows what they want and need and gets it taken care of. Libra tries to take care of itself by taking care of others but you can't truly doing that without doing Aries first. 

"Don't let anyone ever make you feel like you don't deserve what you want." {10 Things I Hate about You}

SO Mars in Libra is a chance to give ourselves a chance. Changing the way we operate in relationships, especially the one we have with ourselves, gives us a chance to achieve the quality we desire. Here's the trick though- you can't have the best of both worlds. All the relationships you built on the theory of being the bigger person, or hoping you'd just automatically get back what you give run the risk of disintegration when you no longer need them. So do all the ones where you weren't being authentic, where you were pretending. When the show stops, so does the audience. And you can't refund those tickets. 

And as any good Scorpio would say, here's an opportunity to be born again from the ashes. And everything is about intention which is about quality not quantity.

Gotta set the stage on fire first, says Aries.
But what if someone gets hurt?, worries Libra. 
Every man for himself. The survivors will build something better and more beautiful together afterwards, knows Mars in Libra.

Thursday, May 8, 2014

I've turned into Someone Else

Question everything. Question everything until there aren't any answers to the questions. Question everything until every single shroud of being is stripped and there's nothing left but time. Time eroding the hazy reality surrounding you. Question every question until perspective is a matter of where the fog is the least descended.

Question until statements are no longer answers and everything becomes an assumption. Question when all you know is what you know for sure and you know that could change in a moment.

Question until you cry because you can't rely on anything or anyone. Question yourself until you've realized that you're nothing but the choices you make and their consequences. Question until you don't know what to believe. Question until belief is a moment by moment choice and not a lifetime commitment.

Question until you realize that commitment is a state of mind and not a list of expectations. Question until you love without needing it returned because you're brave enough to know that if you have to ask, you already know. Question until you won't dare waste your precious time and energy shooting arrows at brick walls.

Question until you choose the pain of the truth everyday over the pleasure of lies.

saturn in scorpio

I'm really thinking about who it is I want to be: what behaviors will characterize me, what my integrity means to me, what beliefs my choices will reflect and what values I'll integrate into my life.

first off, I realized that in examining this I immediately began to ruminate on who I was....what I used to be. Comparing my present self to that is discouraging because my character was based on beliefs that for the most part, I no longer hold as true. At the time, questioning my values led me to the "well, who am I then?" and therefore through a kind of experimental phase.

I feel like now that I've made choices with consequences I'm not entirely fond of and have begun to feel a loss of a certain sense of self that I miss and cherish, I've come full circle and must not look into the past for my answers as I tend to do. but ONLY LOOK FORWARD. only step into who I am and only choose here and now the person I'll become. because the future isn't made up of memories of the past but of the moments you're present in now. and the more presence and intent you live with, the richer will be the satisfaction you feel.

and I've forgotten about intention. I let intention fade and float away into flighty feelings. and as much as I could've gleaned by trusting my intuition in spite of everything and anything, there's something to be said about returning to center. because, I'm beginning to believe, can you really know what center is if you've never left? can you really know what the truth is if you've never questioned and explored?

that may be a stereo-typically "young" perception of process, but stereotypes exist because where there's smoke, there's fire.

comparison is the killer of authenticity. I don't care if you're comparing yourself to your idol, your mother, your shoulds and shouldn'ts, your past self, your future self, that girl that has the mhph you want, that you that guys could totally be in love with, the version of yourself you think is the highest Divine manifestation. Good bad ugly beautiful, comparison is killer. contrasts are extremes that are like bridges between reality and fantasy:expectations and actualities.