what I learned in a fortnight.

You can't save anyone. Only person you can save is yourself. And that's one of the greatest feats you will ever accomplish.

No one gives a fuck about your intentions. The road to hell is paved with good intentions.
This is a real thing. Intentions only matter when they manifest. When they remain pretty ideas in the corner of your mind that you like to think you live by, no one gives a fuck.

We accept the love we think we deserve.

Just because they've made it clear it's about them, doesn't mean it's ok for you to make it about them too. Self protection, anyone? The moment someone you've given your heart to or even considering giving your heart to reveals that they're ultimately their first priority (totally in the selfish way....always kudos to the healthy life serving way), run. Run as hard as you can, because you're on a sinking ship with no life vests.

No regrets. Even when you actually have regrets, keep chanting 'no regrets' and before you know it you'll believe it. One of those cool mind games we forget to take advantage of. Sure, you could've avoided all the heartbreak by thinking a little harder or somehow seeing into the future. Right...? And sure, things should've could've maybe would've turned out differently if x, y and z. But they didn't. And oddly enough, you would not become you who are if they had. Accept and be grateful...

Because though being disappointed in something or someone is heartbreaking, and you don't know how to trust or hope again, be grateful because clarity is freedom.

Clarity is freedom. Never avoid the questions because you're fucking afraid. If you have to reason yourself out of the answer that comes to mind when you ask the hard questions, there's a 99% chance your mind is right.

Trust yourself. Trust yourself because at the end of the day you are the one who has to live with your decisions and experiences. Make them, deal with the consequences, and keep building your reputation with yourself. Forget about always choosing the right, choose you and experience will guarantee you learn.

I've lived almost my entire life on a foundation of ideas, ideals and dreams. This is beautiful. At some point however, if one is to truly live, we have to experience. This starts with implementing your beliefs through your actions. And you will find that if you're open, things will change.

And it'll scare the shit out of you. You. Will. Be. Scared. You will doubt and question and doubt and question and then after that, eventually you'll doubt and question again. All I can promise is that one day you'll realize you doubt a lot less and ask smarter questions and that really, it's never about the answers but the courage to ask.

Sometimes people are only in your life to break a box or  open one. And then they leave. And it feels like all the feelings are about them for a while, but soon you'll realize that it's always about you, even when you think it's about them. Just like it's always about them even when you think it's about you. This sounds fucking pointless but if you're willing to accept it, it makes for beautifully sacred sharing of our hearts and lives. Whole sharing, not two halves attempting  to complete each other.

Someone else's lack of capacity is not your problem. This is where self protection comes in too- if they can't seem to evolve out of their low vibration bullshit, release them with compassion and understanding. But create boundaries, babe. Hard as fuck to balance but worth the effort. No hard feelings towards them and no hard feelings towards yourself.

Repeat after me: "I'm busy enough with my own insecurities, I don't needa be trippin' over yours too." Pick yours up out of others way, and put some nice, bright orange cones around everyone else's danger zones. It's one thing to work things out in a relationship, it's another to trip right into their shit time after time. That habit will erode love.

Hugest thing: Allow yourself time to grieve. To release, grow, be angry, be sad, think you're okay and then discover triggers everyday. Forgive yourself and make it about you. And one day soon you'll be laughing and smiling and feel alive and realize that you haven't in a while. And you'll laugh because you never thought the sunlight would make you happy again. And yet here you are. Closer than ever to the glorious reality of your dreams.

or the truth is...

Sometimes things only happen to break you open.
Sometimes people leave as quickly as they come because their only purpose was to teach you.
to hold you.
to show you the beauty of yourself.
to reveal the pain.

Everything is temporary. The only constant is change.

My father is a wise man. Confused and blinded by the dysfunction we come from at times, but he is a wise man. The other night was sat together at our long dining room table and he nearly broke a sweat trying to explain a strange concept to me.

Nothing should ever affect you.

Now, I'm familiar with the idea that nothing is personal, and that's how I react (or don't) to things a lot of the time. But nothing should ever affect me?? Aren't we being a little unrealistic?

"You'll have emotions. You'll be hurt," he said. "But that should never affect your being, the way you see yourself. It should never make you think less of yourself. You have to separate your emotions from your sense of self."

It's about personal power. Healthy boundaries not only between yourself and others but also within yourself. Protecting yourself from your own shadow?

I'm coming out of a situation very recently where for the first time in my personal life, someone was not deserving of forgiving compassion from me. It was strange to withhold something I give so naturally. But to give it in this instance would've meant compromising my own self respect. Because for once in my life, I felt like I was the one deserving of my own forgiving compassion. To forgive myself, and to be compassionate towards my own heartbreak has been revolutionizing.

It all began by being told that it was not my fault. That I had done nothing to cause or deserve my pain. I had never realized how much self-blame has been a part of the way I process when I've been hurt. Somehow it was always because I had done or not done something, was or wasn't someone, should or shouldn't have. Always shoulding.

Is it really about you or does it have nothing to do with you? Sometimes the answer is that it has everything to do with you for you and nothing to do with you for them. But what is the story you're gonna tell yourself about yourself?

I could have chosen to make this situation into a story about how once I was very foolish and very desperate and blinded by my hope, and jumped into an ocean of unpredictability. How my naivety left me hurt and disappointed. That I'm never important or special or wonderful enough to unconditionally love. That I brought this upon myself by not taking more time, more thought, listening to my intuition. That you can't trust anyone and all I ever do is get caught up in a fantastical illusion that they we I created.

Or the truth is....

I was once very brave and honest and my hope was clarity, and jumped into an ocean of endless possibilities. My belief in trusting the Universe and the best versions of another left me open hearted and vulnerable. I believed myself important, special and wonderful enough to be loved and accepted unconditionally. I brought it upon myself by abandoning my former limitations and releasing my attachment to my thought processes and my intuition. I learned to trust myself and that everything is a fantastical illusion I created and that's powerfully beautiful.

how hard is it to love me?

How hard will it be for someone to love me? want me and accept me? no matter what? Like, literally, no matter what? no matter how intense and full of shit I am. no matter how insecure and needy and judgmental and spiteful I am. no matter how LARGE my family is. no matter how much I believe in and how much I don't believe in. 

How hard is it to love me? when I question everything and search for motive and don't settle. when I bitch and moan and try to fix things before they're broken. when I want and need you and tell you exactly how much I don't. 

How hard is it to love me? 

I'm willing to pay. to compromise. to change. to excuse, apologize, water down, dilute, hide and make myself small. just for that little piece of shit love. 

Because the real thing just is all encompassing. There is nothing but acceptance, unconditionally. And sure, of course, it's a choice. everyday it's a motherfucking choice and a process because we're not perfect. and realizing the difference between the struggle is real and there shouldn't be a struggle. 

He likes me. that's it. he wants to get to know me better and give to me. 

I like him. that's it. want to get to know him better and give to him. though I feel so unqualified to share.

but no compromising. all of me or none of me. and that includes my family. and if he really can't handle that then he can't coexist. and that's just the beginning and the end of that. 

why am I more afraid of what this stranger will think and feel than I am of being true to the only thing I really have and ever will? 

GET YA SHIT TOGETHER. 

trippin'

Hopefully somewhere along the line we all realize that the situations and drama that surround us are all about the stories we tell ourselves about ourselves.

Question to ask yourself in the dark alone: why am I not deserving of unconditional love and acceptance? 

Pisces is the theme of the Universe right now. If there were a word Pisces would by synonymous with, it'd be: dream. The dreams we create with our emotionally compromised perception, the dreams we live in daily- whether hellish or heavenly. The dreams whispering from our hopes and wishes and prayers. The dreams of who we wish we were. The dreams that pervade our reality until we're so dazed we can't tell the difference. Sometimes that's beautiful...sometimes it's heartbreaking. 

Question to ask yourself in the silence alone: who am I not to be? 

These are the questions we have answers for. And it's a little fucked up that we think of ourselves so much that we end up thinking so little of ourselves. Maybe if we could think of ourselves a little less we'd think more of ourselves. 

I've found that the only time I can be uncompromisingly myself is when the person I'm engaging with means nothing to me. When I place no importance on what they think of me. I'm not trying to make an impression, create an image, or uphold a dream. That's more often these days than it used to be- it's far too exhausting to invest so much concern uncontrollable perceptions. Because however people react to you is also about a story they tell themselves about themselves. And vice versa. 

Question to ask yourself in the cold alone: why is it that I'm always waiting for reality to kick in, allowing my insecurities to sabotage opportunity for absolute joy and pleasure? 

In my moments of panic I'm so hard on myself, trying to control the reaction I have to vulnerability. I forget to remember that I've had the floor drop from under me more times than I actually can remember. Souls I've trusted, been intimate with, built relationships that meant so much to me have vanished from my life. Home has meant so many different things at different times and when you come to understand that the only thing constant is change, for a person like me, it makes it hard to invest into anything. Because everything comes to an end? So what's the point. 

Question to ask yourself when you're not alone but alone: why is the moment, the experience, not enough for me?

I've had times where my life has been drama free and I stop for a minute and think about how...hollow, it feels. It's like being on a diet and craving sugar. We grow so accustomed to our inner dysfunctional dialogue manifesting that when we change the way we think and react for a little while, we don't even know what to do with ourselves. What does life mean now? Who's got the action?

To even consider that life could consist of more openhearted love and happiness than anything else, and that feeling like that doesn't mean just grasping at moments until they slip from your fingers. What would that mean? How could I be different, be more secure in myself, if my goal was to avoid drama-within to without. 

There's always drama we can't control, but when you've set healthy boundaries in your life to begin with, you may find that a lot of the time it's our reactions and perceptions that create it. You can feel the difference when you're attached to incoming drama and when you're not. 

Question to ask yourself when you've tripped on your insecurities and looking for your dignity: are you diluting your power to make it easier, safer, quieter...?

It's easy to no be apologetic about my weakness when I don't give a shit if they look like weaknesses or not. I've learned though that once someone does mean something to me HOLY SHIT DOES  every single laser beam of an alarm I have in my entire psyche start freaking the fuck out. 

It all leads back to believing that anything good is too good to be true and it can't be possible that anyone who sees how needy, desperate, selfish and pathetic I actually am would even consider staying in relationship with me. 

because when I'm cold in the silent dark, definitely alone, looking for the me I lost while tripping over my insecurities, all I can ask myself is: why would anyone unconditionally love and accept me when I don't even think of myself?