or the truth is...

Sometimes things only happen to break you open.
Sometimes people leave as quickly as they come because their only purpose was to teach you.
to hold you.
to show you the beauty of yourself.
to reveal the pain.

Everything is temporary. The only constant is change.

My father is a wise man. Confused and blinded by the dysfunction we come from at times, but he is a wise man. The other night was sat together at our long dining room table and he nearly broke a sweat trying to explain a strange concept to me.

Nothing should ever affect you.

Now, I'm familiar with the idea that nothing is personal, and that's how I react (or don't) to things a lot of the time. But nothing should ever affect me?? Aren't we being a little unrealistic?

"You'll have emotions. You'll be hurt," he said. "But that should never affect your being, the way you see yourself. It should never make you think less of yourself. You have to separate your emotions from your sense of self."

It's about personal power. Healthy boundaries not only between yourself and others but also within yourself. Protecting yourself from your own shadow?

I'm coming out of a situation very recently where for the first time in my personal life, someone was not deserving of forgiving compassion from me. It was strange to withhold something I give so naturally. But to give it in this instance would've meant compromising my own self respect. Because for once in my life, I felt like I was the one deserving of my own forgiving compassion. To forgive myself, and to be compassionate towards my own heartbreak has been revolutionizing.

It all began by being told that it was not my fault. That I had done nothing to cause or deserve my pain. I had never realized how much self-blame has been a part of the way I process when I've been hurt. Somehow it was always because I had done or not done something, was or wasn't someone, should or shouldn't have. Always shoulding.

Is it really about you or does it have nothing to do with you? Sometimes the answer is that it has everything to do with you for you and nothing to do with you for them. But what is the story you're gonna tell yourself about yourself?

I could have chosen to make this situation into a story about how once I was very foolish and very desperate and blinded by my hope, and jumped into an ocean of unpredictability. How my naivety left me hurt and disappointed. That I'm never important or special or wonderful enough to unconditionally love. That I brought this upon myself by not taking more time, more thought, listening to my intuition. That you can't trust anyone and all I ever do is get caught up in a fantastical illusion that they we I created.

Or the truth is....

I was once very brave and honest and my hope was clarity, and jumped into an ocean of endless possibilities. My belief in trusting the Universe and the best versions of another left me open hearted and vulnerable. I believed myself important, special and wonderful enough to be loved and accepted unconditionally. I brought it upon myself by abandoning my former limitations and releasing my attachment to my thought processes and my intuition. I learned to trust myself and that everything is a fantastical illusion I created and that's powerfully beautiful.