Question to ask yourself in the dark alone: why am I not deserving of unconditional love and acceptance?
Pisces is the theme of the Universe right now. If there were a word Pisces would by synonymous with, it'd be: dream. The dreams we create with our emotionally compromised perception, the dreams we live in daily- whether hellish or heavenly. The dreams whispering from our hopes and wishes and prayers. The dreams of who we wish we were. The dreams that pervade our reality until we're so dazed we can't tell the difference. Sometimes that's beautiful...sometimes it's heartbreaking.
Question to ask yourself in the silence alone: who am I not to be?
These are the questions we have answers for. And it's a little fucked up that we think of ourselves so much that we end up thinking so little of ourselves. Maybe if we could think of ourselves a little less we'd think more of ourselves.
I've found that the only time I can be uncompromisingly myself is when the person I'm engaging with means nothing to me. When I place no importance on what they think of me. I'm not trying to make an impression, create an image, or uphold a dream. That's more often these days than it used to be- it's far too exhausting to invest so much concern uncontrollable perceptions. Because however people react to you is also about a story they tell themselves about themselves. And vice versa.
Question to ask yourself in the cold alone: why is it that I'm always waiting for reality to kick in, allowing my insecurities to sabotage opportunity for absolute joy and pleasure?
In my moments of panic I'm so hard on myself, trying to control the reaction I have to vulnerability. I forget to remember that I've had the floor drop from under me more times than I actually can remember. Souls I've trusted, been intimate with, built relationships that meant so much to me have vanished from my life. Home has meant so many different things at different times and when you come to understand that the only thing constant is change, for a person like me, it makes it hard to invest into anything. Because everything comes to an end? So what's the point.
Question to ask yourself when you're not alone but alone: why is the moment, the experience, not enough for me?
I've had times where my life has been drama free and I stop for a minute and think about how...hollow, it feels. It's like being on a diet and craving sugar. We grow so accustomed to our inner dysfunctional dialogue manifesting that when we change the way we think and react for a little while, we don't even know what to do with ourselves. What does life mean now? Who's got the action?
To even consider that life could consist of more openhearted love and happiness than anything else, and that feeling like that doesn't mean just grasping at moments until they slip from your fingers. What would that mean? How could I be different, be more secure in myself, if my goal was to avoid drama-within to without.
There's always drama we can't control, but when you've set healthy boundaries in your life to begin with, you may find that a lot of the time it's our reactions and perceptions that create it. You can feel the difference when you're attached to incoming drama and when you're not.
Question to ask yourself when you've tripped on your insecurities and looking for your dignity: are you diluting your power to make it easier, safer, quieter...?
It's easy to no be apologetic about my weakness when I don't give a shit if they look like weaknesses or not. I've learned though that once someone does mean something to me HOLY SHIT DOES every single laser beam of an alarm I have in my entire psyche start freaking the fuck out.
It all leads back to believing that anything good is too good to be true and it can't be possible that anyone who sees how needy, desperate, selfish and pathetic I actually am would even consider staying in relationship with me.
because when I'm cold in the silent dark, definitely alone, looking for the me I lost while tripping over my insecurities, all I can ask myself is: why would anyone unconditionally love and accept me when I don't even think of myself?
